Dog Toothpaste + Clever Rebranding = $8 Novelty Item

Let’s start with a couple caveats:

1) I really like bacon.

2) I have at least one friend who would genuinely enjoy this product (you know who you are…Erin Hanley).

BUT…

This is just dumb.

You know why mint has been the preferred flavor of toothpaste for the last six million years? Because mint is refreshing. Unlike, I dunno, say…animal lard and smoke flavor. Brushing your teeth with bacon is like baptizing a child in whiskey and jizz — it’s supposed to be a ritual of purification, not indulgence.

Look, fatty meats are my jam. But there is a time (meal time) and a place (a fork).  All this bacon-mania has gone a little overboard. I respect the fact that this is probably just the pendulum swinging in opposition to the bacon-bashing days of yore, where dubious food science urged us to fear fat in all it forms. But if I see one more dork on the Food Network smugly bellowing “BACONNN!!!” as if he’s breaching some taboo, I will force myself to eat a whole sheet pan of Morningstar Farms Patchouli-scented Soy Fakeon Strips just to balance out the universe.

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