Food Trends for 2013
It’s that time of year again. Time for food writers of all stripes to weigh in with what they think will be “the next big food thing” for 2013. So far there’s been chatter about interactive menus, smaller portions and gourmet donuts.
Those people are wrong.
For those who want to know how it’s really going to go down, I present Life in Sandwich Form’s Food Trends for 2013.
Eating local is so last year/all-of-human-history-before-1975. And in 2013 we’ll see the long-overdue backlash, with more chefs and restaurants sourcing ingredients in increasingly irresponsible ways. Look for menus with notes like: “All our potatoes are harvested from Estonian minefields by pregnant teen orphans who are paid in drugs.”
Egg Salad Mixology
Egg Salad Mixologists are the new rockstars of the food world. Pioneers like Pete D’augustino at Lower Manhattan’s Yolk are doing for chicken ovum what Jimmy Hendrix did for the Stratocaster. See him in action below…
After years of making bit cameos on the menus of a few forward-thinking chefs, the sunchoke is ready for its close-up. This tasty root vegetable, also known as the Jerusalem Artichoke, will go full-blown Zionist this year, garnering legions of devoted fans. You could bake a meatball macaroon into a cupcake, serve it out of a food truck that runs on bubble tea, and it wouldn’t carry a fraction of the trend factor that a single sunchoke will in 2013. Sunchokes are loaded with potassium and have a sweet, nutty flavor that can’t be beat, nay, won’t be beat, NAY, will beat you on your front lawn while your family watches just to send the message that “Sunchoke don’t f*ck around.” Eaters, KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD!
I Don’t Know, Let’s Say…These Things
Food allergies were so hot in 2012 and in 2013 we’ll see the trend gain steam…Literally, with 11% of Americans claiming an intolerance to steam and steamed food. Other designer allergies joining the fray will include sea salt, crumbs and those radish rose things. Emerging from this atmosphere of heightened intolerance will be a new group of sensitive eaters outraged by their discovery that so-called “healthy” fruits and vegetables were actually grown in filthy, disgusting dirt.
“New Southern” Jumps the Shark
Chef Taylor Stubbs’ ambition to deliver New Southern cuisine to its logical conclusion will instead signal the movement’s tragic end, when six people are injured during his attempt to deep fry whiskey.
Healthy Menu Options (But Not Really)
A growing number of consumers are demanding to see more healthy, vegetable-based options on restaurant menus…so they can scroll right by them and order some fuck-all pile of cheese, carbs and dead animal parts.
For roughly a billion people throughout the world, 2013’s most fashionable culinary trend will be simply having food. For every one of us struggling to keep gluttony interesting, there are two and half people who’d settle for a glass of water without a turd in it.
If guilt doesn’t motivate you then maybe convenience will. Click HERE to donate to Action Against Hunger, one of the most successful and highest-rated humanitarian organizations fighting global hunger. Give a little and save a life–Sunchoke demands it!